Criminal profiling for fun

I had this picture of myself taken the other day so that I could send a recent photo of myself to my friend Andrew in Australia. When I looked at it, I realised you can tell a lot about me from it. Before you read any further, take a look around the photo and see what you can surmise about me.

Here’s what I came up with (pretending to be a criminal profiler who doesn’t know anything about the real me). I hasten to add, NOT ALL OF THESE ARE TRUE!

1. The suspect is unmarried (no ring).
2. The suspect is a workaholic (he has a cluttered desk).
3. The suspect is mildly health-conscious (notice the apple but also the belly).
4. The suspect has an advanced knowledge of computers (one machine at a time isn’t enough for him).
5. The suspect suffers poor short-term memory (notice the “close the windows” reminder hanging from the curtain).
6. The suspect lacks self-discipline (well, just look anywhere).
7. The suspect has an exotic diet (notice the Earl Grey and Lady Grey tea).
8. The suspect has no respect for the law (he is regularly selling pirated CDs & DVDs; why else would there be so many empty CD/DVD cakes on his desk at the one time?).
9. The suspect’s does not readily form fixed opinions and allegiances (how many Apple Mac users do you know who also use PCs?).
10. The suspect indulges in p*rnography (why else would the curtains be closed and the iMac screen be angled away from the public, other that to hide his stash of naked lady pics?).

And now for the truth:

1. True (no prizes for guessing that one).
2. False (can’t take that compliment, if it is a compliment; I’m just messy).
3. True (I make healthy meals for myself regularly, but do give in to junk food occasionally).
4. True (I am a computer geek through and through).
5. True (by coincidence only; the message is at my boss’s desk)
6. True (in some areas of my life, at least; in my favour, you don’t get a novel written without some form of self-imposed discipline).
7. True (regular Tetley doesn’t cut it, and regarding the rest of my diet I am not a typical spuds-and-gravy Irishman).
8. False (I am actually a real legal eagle when it comes to software. The empty cakes are from burning a lot of Midnight Pictures DVDs).
9. True (especially true in regard to my early Christian experience).
10. False (actually the curtains are closed because I have a keen eye for photography and wanted to avoid back-lighting, but you’d never have guessed that).

Seven out of ten ain’t bad. There’s maybe something to this profiling lark.

Ulterior sold out!

Yesterday I sold the last copy of Ulterior. Aside from a handful of books which are still in stock at Shocklines and the few remaining on bookshop shelves, it’s all done and dusted. 1070 copies were printed (weird number due to the printing firm accidentally exceeding the target, but I’m grateful in retrospect). All I’ve got left are six books, which I’m hanging on to for special occasions …

… Like yesterday, when a friend I haven’t seen in over fifteen years suddenly got in touch with me over email (he found me by searching Google). Andrew Campbell was the only one of my friends who shared my hobby of writing fiction, so it was a real loss when he emigrated to Australia. It turns out he has been every bit as passionate about the craft as I’ve been in the years between. Check out his website, Pheonix Station. I’m looking forward to sharing ideas and swapping stories again - maybe even collaborating.

After the stressful weekend I’ve had due to an eBay gangster, Andrew getting in touch after all these years really made my day.

My encounter with an eBay gangster

Yesterday I had my worst ever eBay experience. A while ago, I purchased seven computer components from a seller, to the value of around £700. One item, a hard drive, was faulty. I contacted the seller to make refund arrangements, but my request was ignored. I let several days go by, then yesterday I decided to leave a negative feedback comment on his eBay profile. Several hours later he phoned me up and immediately started threatening to leave a string of seven negative feedback comments against me (one for each of the items I had bought), if I didn’t agree to withdraw my initial feedback comment. I did my best to calm him down, telling him there was no need to threaten me, that we could resolve this amicably. After a minute or two of talking, I was able to gauge a few things about his character, and it became clear that he was never going to agree to a refund, so I told him I was going to let the feedback comment stick. If he wanted to leave seven negatives for me, that was up to him.

Then he changed his tactics. In light of my massive purchase, the seller had originally waived a £9 surcharge for shipping to Northern Ireland (something I wasn’t even aware of until that point, if it was true at all). Now he threatened to re-open the transaction, add the surcharge, leaving it as incomplete and thus voiding my warranty on all the items I purchased. He also discussed the nature of the fault with me, ridiculing my IT knowledge and spinning enough half-truths to make me consider that the hard drive might not be faulty at all.

In the end I gave in to his bullying and withdrew my feedback. I felt bad for not standing my ground, but I knew it was one of those battles where the victory would not be worth the hassle.

On reflection later, I realised I had the same power against him that he had against me: the ability to leave seven negative feedback comments. And he had a lot more to lose, being a Power Seller with a lot of expensive stock. I can still leave those comments, of course, and let the public know just what kind of man they’re trading with. But it will rebound on my head. If he has a serious grudge, he could place false bids on my future auctions and make my online trading life very difficult. And if he finds out I have a homepage promoting my novels and films, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak online. And even if that didn’t happen, I just don’t like him having my phone number and knowing where I live. If there was more at stake than a hard drive, I’d do something. But a £65 loss is just not worth the grief.

After the phone-call, I kept thinking about this Scripture: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.” (Matthew 5:38-40). When the guy wanted to charge me the extra £9, I should have shocked him by saying, “OK, send me the bill, and I’ll pay the extra.” He wouldn’t have believed his ears. By agreeing to pay, I would have robbed him of his power over me. Unfortunately, during the conversation it didn’t occur to me; I simply got stressed about how complex this mess could become.

It took all evening, and the early hours of the night, for me recover from the stress of that phone-call. It’s not being out of pocket that annoys me, but the encounter itself. Despite the faults we see in ourselves and others, it’s not often you come face-to-face with a genuine bad guy. Here I am, essentially a victim of petty theft and not really giving the loss a second thought, and here’s this guy, seething with anger, dishing out lies and threats, trampling all over his own conscience for the sake of £65. It’s kind of chilling, but it’s also really sad.

Well, there’s a lesson to be learned from all this: On eBay, don’t buy more than you can afford to lose. It won’t stop me trading, but the next time I get the urge to spend nearly ten grand on a De Lorean car (see an earlier post), I’ll give myself a good slap.

Zombie Genocide on BitTorrent

Zombie Genocide continues to be Midnight Pictures’ most widely known and loved film, despite its lowly origins. I thought it was about time I made it available online (XviD format). Download the Zombie Genocide torrent file to get started (if you’re unfamiliar with BitTorrent, you can learn about it here). I will try to leave my computer connected 24/7 over the next week or so. Over that period, I would ask downloaders to give a little something back by leaving your seed active for a while. If users are willing do this, the downloads are quicker, and everyone benefits. This is a temporary arrangement, and I don’t know when I will be doing it again, so I advise you to grab the video now while you’ve got the chance.

Chionophobia progress

Looking back … and forward

I recall two really good things about 2005: (1) making the film Don’t Look in the Attic with Andrew Harrison, and (2) getting 80% of my second novel written. But overall 2005 was probably the worst year of my life. The theme of 2005 for me was “loss.” (1) My mother died. (2) I went behind the back of someone I love in order to stop them harming themselves, and now I live in fear that they hate me for it. (3) In work, the two guys I chummed with have now moved on to other jobs. (4) Of the few friends I keep, one is shortly moving to America permanently. (5) As a Christian I have lost ground in a big way, struggling with a vice I thought I’d overcome for good.

There’s a prayer that goes something like, “Lord, give me the strength to bear the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Well, number five on my list is something I can change. I’m going to start by attempting to read the Bible in a year again. I’ve done it before successfully, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it turned out to be the most productive year I’ve experienced in my Christian life. This is something I would like to do every year, if I can manage it. Imagine the knowledge you’d have if you could say in ten year’s time, “I’ve read the Bible ten times.”

I decided I needed a reading plan, so I had a hunt online. There are plenty to choose from, but this one struck me as best, chiefly because it splits the Book of Proverbs and Psalms up over the course of the year (from experience, Proverbs cannot be learned all at once).

The only other thing I’m determined to achieve in 2006 is to get Chionophobia finished and published.