"There’s a panther in the school!"

Once in a blue moon, on the news, you’ll hear a story about a “big cat” (such as a tiger or panther) being spotted on the loose in the countryside somewhere. So how does an animal like that make its way into our country? Often it was illegally imported as a young cub by a foolish family who wanted an exotic pet. Unfortunately such people don’t have the foresight to consider how they’ll cope when the cute little furball grows up into a fierce predator. So, to avoid the authorities, they let it loose into the wild. But what if the beast wanders out of the countryside and into your town? What if it wanders into your school?

Over the course of 2005/06, the Clounagh Junior High School’s Year 9 Filmmaking Club met each Wednesday afternoon to produce a movie about the scenario described above. The film’s running time ended up being 18-minutes - twice as long as any previous school film.

This morning, the film received a hearty round of applause from all of Year 8, who watched it during assembly. Congratulations to the members of the Filmmaking Club 2005/06: Adam Gordon, Andrew White, Sam Cheung, Andrew Taylor, Eddie Quin, and Arran Stanley, James Knight and Adam Chambers.

I now present Cat Trap online for your enjoyment …

Chapter 1 of 2:

Chapter 2 of 2:

Encounter with the school-yard bully (grown-up edition)

A couple of months ago I was ripped off by a furniture store. They sold me damaged goods, and when I asked for a refund, they agreed, but held back a £50 “handling fee” for the return of the goods. I sent the company a letter, stating that if they did not refund me in full (as I was entitled by law), I would show up outside the store with a placard. They ignored me; they thought I was bluffing. I wasn’t. Yesterday I showed up and stood outside the gates of their car park, holding up a big sign that said “Buyer beware - no full refund on damaged goods.” Several cars came and went, all of them noticing my sign.

About half and hour later, when the store was empty, the shopkeeper came out to talk to me. I recognised him as the guy who had delivered my furniture, and he had seemed like a friendly, mild-mannered man at the time. Boy, was I wrong. First, he used the predictable line with me: “You can’t expect us to invest our time in coming out to your house to retreive the goods without payment?” I replied, “Quality control is the responsibility of the shop, not the customer. It’s not my fault the goods were damaged, so I shouldn’t have to pay.” When he couldn’t win the argument, he turned into a bully, threatening to remove me. I said, “Are you theatening to assault me?” and he refused to reply. He got even more aggressive, threatening to bring some people in to “remove me” (conveniently vague phrase). It was likely he was full of hot air, but I thought it was also possible things could escalate to violence. I have to tell you, I was gobsmacked that things went the way they did; I could hardly believe a shopkeeper in this day and age capable of this kind of behaviour to a customer. I was dealing with the grown-up version of the school-yard bully, the guy who threatens the smaller kids to get their dinner money. Except I’m bigger! Still, I wasn’t looking forward to being manhandled by a few of his mates, so I calmly got back in the car and left, cursing myself for not bringing a witness or a recording device.

I went straight to the police station and reported the matter. I wasn’t happy that the store knew my address, but I wasn’t about to be bullied, either. Unfortunately the police felt that it was unclear that I had been threatened. They said that words like “I’ll remove you” could be interpreted as “I’ll phone the police and have you removed.” What the words don’t convey is how the guy advanced on me with an angry expression, but that’s not enough for a police report. Disappointing, but I understand the position the police were in; all they were doing was cutting to the chase and indicating how this was going to play out, if I pursued it.

I could still pursue the matter with Trading Standards, and maybe I will. I almost couldn’t be bothered. To be honest, the loss of the money isn’t the only reason made the demonstation. I did it to see if I had the courage to do it. And even though I was defeated, I’m still glad I pushed myself to do it. I think society these days conditions us to lead a lazy life without convictions, where we don’t stand up for anything or anybody. And I don’t want to be like that.

It’s also good to go to sleep at night, knowing I’m not a thief and bully, trapped by greed and ready to dish out violence. I may have been defeated yesterday, but when you consider what’s really important - character - I know who the real loser is.

Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you” (Matthew 5:38-42). I find this passage inspirational because of the way it offers a course of action which throws our personal possessions into a place of non-importance, which is where they belong.

Dark Light reviewed at Taliesin Meets the Vampires

Dark Light, the vampire movie we made in 2000, has just received a very lengthy and fairly positive review at Taliesin Meets the Vampires, a vampire-related blog.

Coming soon: Cat Trap the movie

If you’re wondering why I’ve been quiet for the past ten days, it’s because I’ve been investing all my energy in editing Cat Trap, the movie I’ve been making with the Clounagh school pupils over the past year. After 50 hours or thereabouts of editing (I care way too much about every little detail), it’s complete. The film runs for 18 minutes - that’s twice as long as any other school film - and for the first time we’ve got a real, solid narrative going on. The movie will have its premiere on a big screen in the school assembly hall next week, and immediately after that I’ll be putting it online for you folks. It ain’t Midnight Pictures, but I think you’re going to get a real kick out of this. Stay tuned.

The movie of my dreams

Last night I dreamed that Andrew Harrison and I were in the middle of making our next film, Shadow of the Dead. We were round the back of Portadown College, filming a scene with a girl (no, it’s not that kind of dream, you dirt-bird). I can’t remember the scene, exactly, and it didn’t resemble anything close to the story we have in mind, but I remember thinking that the scene would have been so much better if the character I was playing had his arm cut off for the rest of the film. Obviously this would be impossible on the cheapo budget of a Midnight Pictures flick, so we needed another solution. I had the crazy idea that if I allowed my arm to be chopped off for real, the doctors could sew it back on in a few months time, when filming was completed. I wondered whether I would lose any dexterity in the arm afterwards, and even if I did, I thought it might be worth the loss, for the sheer joy of improving the film. For some reason, I wasn’t thinking about the physical pain involved in losing a limb. The dream ended before I had to make the decision.

I hate dreams where you’re not quite yourself. But still, there’s dedication for you!

Podcast fiction

I’m feeling inspired by a bloke called Scott Sigler, the pioneer of the “podcast novel.” Audiobooks have been around for decades, of course, and they were never very popular, but I can’t help thinking that the current interest in iPods and podcasting might fuel interest in the format (you can hardly walk down a corridor in the school these days without seeing white earplugs sticking out of kids’ ears).

The original method of digital book publishing, the ebook, failed because no one invented a comfortable method of delivery that could supercede good ol’-fashioned paper. Maybe podcast fiction is in with a shot. In addition to Mr Sigler’s site, Escape Pod is also worth a listen. It podcasts sci-fi short stories regularly and boasts a download rate of around 7,000 listeners per story. That knocks the socks off all small press fiction mags.

As for my own online publishing efforts, the combined total plays and downloads of the four music tracks I’ve uploaded to my MacIdol page is currently over 2,400. And I did very little promoting to achieve that figure. As far as the MP3 format goes, online distribution is definitely not something to be ignored, especially when compared with all the hard work that went into shifting 1,000 paperbacks of my novel Ulterior.

I certainly won’t be abandoning traditional book publishing, but I need to give some serious thought to this podcasting lark. A good starting point might be to recite a short story for you, and see how the stats look after a month or two.

As for Chionophobia, editing has come to a standstill for a while, due to the house move, but I’m still aiming to keep my September deadline. Another project I’ve been keeping quiet about is this year’s film by the pupils at Clounagh Junior High. It’s called Cat Trap. It’s almost ready, and it’s the longest and most highly polished film we’ve made yet. Available for download by the end of June.